Hear 4: Dennis Heil

In this episode, we hear a powerful and unfiltered story of living with undiagnosed bipolar disorder for over a decade.

Dennis Heil opens up about early symptoms in adolescence, a near-fatal suicide attempt at 15, and years of confusion, isolation, and internal chaos. Raised in an environment where emotions weren’t discussed, he struggled in silence—without the tools or context to understand what was happening in his mind.

It wasn’t until a psychotic break at 29 that everything came to a turning point. Faced with a critical moment, he made the decision to seek professional help—and for the first time, received a diagnosis that gave his experience a name.

From there, the journey didn’t become easy—but it became possible.

If you or someone you know is navigating bipolar disorder or mental health challenges, these organizations offer education, support, and guidance:

• National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) – Education, support groups, and a helpline
• Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) – Peer support groups specifically for mood disorders
• Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) – Treatment locator and national helpline

If you’re in immediate distress or need to talk to someone:

• Call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
• Text HOME to 741741 to connect with the Crisis Text Line
• Outside the U.S., visit the International Association for Suicide Prevention for international helplines

If you are in immediate danger, please call emergency services.

If you would like to reach out and listen to Dennis' podcast Click Here 

If you would like to be a part of the podcast please feel free to reach out: Hear4youpod@gmail.com

Transcript

0:03

Hey, I'm Eric and I'm here for you. We're talking with Dennis Hill, who shares his deeply personal journey of living with bipolar disorder and diagnosed for most of his life from experiencing severe mood cycles as a young teenager to surviving a suicide attempt at 15. His story sheds light on what it's like to grow up without the language support or understanding of mental illness. This conversation explores the realities of bipolar disorder beyond the stereotypes. Touching on depression, rage, psychosis, and the long road to diagnosis at age 29. It's a story about survival, about hitting a breaking point, and ultimately about choosing to seek help when it mattered most. There are heavy topics discussed in this episode, including suicide and mental health struggles, so please take care while listening.

Dennis 1:01

I was probably about 12 or 13 years old when I started bipolar cycling, but I wasn't around mental illness at all, and nobody else in my immediate family was mentally ill. I had no context at all to understand that things were different for me. I'm, 46 years old, back then when I was a kid, no one gave a shit about mental health, and I live in a heavily conservative area. So it's like very much a, patriarchal toxic masculinity kind of social structure where you don't talk about your feelings, you don't talk about your problems, you just suck it So even though I was severely unwell and I had my first suicide attempt at 15. I didn't actually get help realize something was seriously, seriously wrong until I was 29. And, the reason that happened was I had a depressive psychotic break where my, like, I had spent so much time over all those years that eventually there came a point where my brain, while I was lost in psychosis, was just like, Hey, make everyone else feel just as fucking awful as you do. my brain was just swimming and swimming and swimming in those thoughts. And thankfully I crashed out of it before I could act on the plan that my brain put together. I made the decision that I would, you know, I'm gonna go into a mental health professional, I'm going to tell them everything. Everything. Like a lot of people go into therapy and they like hold things back because they're afraid. For me, it was a matter of either have to f find something wrong with me, or I'm going to end myself tonight, like after the appointment. So, I went in and the, the, an LCSW, which is a licensed clinical social worker. And, I talked to him for about 20 minutes and he was like, oh no, you definitely have bipolar disorder. And I'm like, okay. And, that was like the first time I could ever remember feeling hope, that my life could be something other than a, you know, raging dumpster fire. So at that point it was like a lot of people, when they're diagnosed. They are afraid they, you know, you're going through. seeks mental health help when things are going good, right? Like, I went in because my brain was telling me to project rage outwards to many people as I could. and when people are diagnosed with, you know, mental illness, I would imagine that most of them are going through similar circum circumstances. So for me, it, there wasn't like fear. It was like, well, you know, if there's a name to this, then I can understand it and if I can understand it, that I could treat it. And if I can treat it, maybe my life can be something better. But I had zero context about anything about what bipolar disorder was.

Eric 4:07

If I can, because I'd like to get to know a little more, just kind of about the beginning journey. So you said nobody in your family had any signs of mental illness, any kind of, any fatigues across the board. Is that correct?

Dennis 4:20

Yeah. So the reason why is my mother was adopted. she was actually stolen as a baby. there's a common scam that went around when she

Eric 4:29

Wow.

Dennis 4:30

young, where social workers would basically ambush teenage mothers and get them to sign over their baby while they were, under anesthetic, after they delivered the baby. And then they would, place the baby, to get kickbacks essentially. my mom didn't find her biological mom until she was in her like fifties or early sixties. After she found her mom, I asked my grandmother on that side, like, is there anybody who's mentally ill to our family? she was like, yeah. the maternal side of my family is neatly split into two parts. You have extremely functional, contributing members of society, like doctors, nurses, that sort of thing.

Eric 5:15

Yeah.

Dennis 5:15

side are like, it, it's just chaos and mental illness and suffering. there's multiple suicides. I have a cousin that killed his grandparents. that's bipolar disorder.

Eric 5:26

Mm-hmm.

Dennis 5:27

when it's untreated, when it's unmanaged, when it's unaddressed, it's just substance abuse and misery And that really affects a lot of people when they're diagnosed because, if you're a young adult. And you lived in terror of your mom or your dad because they kept going on and off medication and they're just chaotic the whole time. And you step into a therapist's office and they're like, you have bipolar disorder too. They don't go, oh, I have this very individual unique mental illness. Instead they think, holy shit, I'm gonna end up just like my parent. And I'm honestly glad I had that insulation when I was diagnosed because I think that if I had understood how severe and how difficult this mental illness is, I don't know if I would've made it. because it's just, hard. There's just so much to go through. the reason that I am where I am today is I've. I put a lot of time into it. Like I was diagnosed in 2009, so it's been 17 years. and I was, you know, back then I was extremely chaotic, extremely angry. Just a mess of negative negativity and negative emotions. And I think that if I had seen what my family was like, before I was able to emotionally sit with that, I know if I would've even bothered trying to recover.

Eric 6:47

so if I can back now to the point of your 15, right.

Dennis 6:52

Mm-hmm.

Eric 6:52

you had mentioned it was your first, suicide attempt. and you're saying now, like, had you, seen this family come to these realizations, had this knowledge at 15, do you think you would've gone through with something like that?

Dennis 7:07

Absolutely. my suicide attempt, I put a gun to my head and I pulled the trigger on a bullet that didn't go off. was in a depressive psychotic episode. Like I thought I was receiving messages from God and the weather was gonna determine what kind of day I was gonna have.

Eric 7:20

Hmm

Dennis 7:20

and I experienced my first like crush, which was amplified by hypomania, which like turned it up to like a thousand, spurred limerence. And then on top of all that, the autistic dysfunction because. Uh, the way I describe it is it's, it's like I've spent my whole life sitting in a room looking at people out the window, and it doesn't matter how much be close to them or, you know, touch them, I just can't, there's always that like, glass there between us, you know, it's always just sitting apart. So like, I don't get a lot of the, when people socialize, you know, your brain produces a bunch of, like, feel good chemicals and, and things like

Eric 8:06

Yeah.

Dennis 8:07

boost depression, ease, loneliness, that sort of thing. I don't think my brain does that. I don't really get those feelings. So even though I was surrounded by people that love me, even though I had friends, The depression, from the bipolar disorder, bipolar depression, the autism, it was always felt very alone and isolated in my mind. Even, you know, standing in a room full of people.

Eric 8:29

if I can ask in that moment when it doesn't go off and you're still alive what were you feeling, if you remember?

Dennis 8:36

it's such a stupid story, but before I get to that. I want to be very clear that didn't do anything that other people can't do too.

Eric 8:46

Mm-hmm.

Dennis 8:47

I went to therapy, addressed my trauma, I examined everything in my mind to figure out what wasn't working, what did, and really, I just did what my professionals recommended as well as, my own learning get things under control and help put the pieces back together. So, I don't want anyone who's very early in their journey look at me and think, I can't do something like that too, because I very much believe that anyone that has appropriate resources and support improve their quality of life and quality of mind. It may not be perfect, but I think that everyone can do better. People just need the resources, Okay. I started bipolar cycling about 12 or 13 years old. I was overwhelmed with, All these feelings when bipolar disorder first emerges, it's almost like a dam breaking. a lot of people, their first unwell cycle is really bad. And that was true for me. My first unwell cycle was one of the worst. and I drifted in and out of psychosis for probably a couple years. I would have the same, like, like some days I would be, okay. You know what, this is absolutely true, You know, the weather is definitely gonna tell me what kind of day I'm having. God is definitely sending me messages in the newspaper. Other days I would be like, you know, that's, that's crazy. That's irrational. You know, there are billions of people in the world. The weather is not gonna dictate what kind of day I have. There are factors far outside of anything you know, that no one's sending me messages in the newspaper, you know? And while I was churning around in this, I remember it very distinctly'cause it was such a nice summer day. And I was downstairs in, we had a finished basement and I was downstairs listening to Metallica at a soothing, like, you know, 150, 200 decibels, playing video games. And, I decided I wanted, or I needed a refill of Pepsi. So I up my glass and I went to walk up the stairs. And when I was halfway up the stairs. It was like a switch in my brain flipped, like there was no like lead up, no precursor up to that point. It was just chaos, chaos, chaos, chaos. But then a switch flipped and everything went completely quiet. And the first thought I had after that was, you're alone. You're miserable, you're unloved. Which wasn't true. I was very much loved, and you shouldn't exist. You should kill yourself. Now, normally when I had thoughts like that, the other side of my brain, the rational side of me would be like, no, we're not doing that. Okay. but this time, instead of that, that side of my, like the rational side of my brain was like, no, that makes perfect sense. We should absolutely do that. So I was like, okay. I went up to my father's room and I retrieved a firearm, and I sat on the edge of the bed, and I looked at myself in the mirror that was mounted on the closet door. The window behind me was open. It was breezy, maybe about early seventies or so, and it was such a nice day. It was sunny and beautiful and birds singing, and I could hear kids playing, and I was sitting there just looking at myself, and I put the gun to my head and they sat there for a minute and I just kept just looking for something and I, I don't really know what I was looking for, but I pulled the trigger. And when I pulled the trigger. Firing pins snapped. And it was so loud because I was in, like, my body and subconscious had put me in fight or flight mode. And what I didn't realize up to that point is like, even though there was all that stimulus and stuff going on, when I was looking at myself in the eyes in the mirror, it was like the rest of the world just kinda like faded away and receded into the background, which was a very normal thing that happens during fight or flight. And when I was staring at myself in the eyes, you know, I, I, it went up like the, the hammer fell and it, it was so loud, it made my ear ring even though it, it's generally a very quiet noise because my senses were hyper-focused on this threat. That was me to myself essentially. I remember everything in my head was quiet and still, and, and I don't know how long, you know, I was there or had I, I'm not exactly sure how much time transpired while I was sitting there, but at some point, the first conscious thought I had was being dead. Sure. Was feeling an awful lot like being alive. And when I thought that, my brain switched from that emptiness into autistic problem solving mode, like what happened? Am I a ghost? I died during a lot of emotional turmoil. Maybe I'm still haunting the place. And then I realized that, oh, you know, there was no recoil. the gun didn't actually go off. And when I made that realization, it was like the rest of the world rushed back in it's so hard to explain'cause it was like I was looking at like a pinpoint light, just my own eyes and my own face in the mirror. And then everything just rushed back in. and then I had a mental breakdown and I tried to do it again, but I couldn't will myself to put the gun to my head again. And then I spent the next 14 years chastising myself for being too much of a pussy to kill myself because toxic masculinity. and yeah, it a little mental breakdown, numbness, and then I went and filled my Pepsi back up and went back to playing my video game.

Eric 15:37

I'm just kind of blown away at how you saw life in those moments. How everything around you was just hyper-focused and fixated on, the sounds, the environment. And then when it doesn't come to fruition, I feel terrible that you had to deal with, 14 years from that moment just feeling the way you did. Like you, oh, I can't believe that I didn't go through with this. That had to have weighed heavy on you for 14 years.

Dennis 16:03

I tried, I had some other luer attempts after that. I also, abused a variety of substances. though I will specify, I was never an addict. that seems like a minor nitpick, but people who live with addiction are very particular about that. So I wanna be clear about where I'm

Eric 16:21

Yeah.

Dennis 16:22

I'm a substance abuser, but I haven't lived the life that a lot of addicts have.

Eric 16:27

I think it's important to, disassociate the two I think you're correct in that.

Dennis 16:32

But, yeah, it, it wasn't good. Like,'cause I, weird thing about my relationship with like toxic masculinity is it was never imposed on me like my dad. My dad is, would meet the criteria of a benevolent patriarch. He's the kind of guy who shows love by providing, we never, weren't always great, but we always had a roof over our head. We always had dinner. my dad worked, he started working when he was like eight years old on a dairy farm. basically I think he was unemployed for like three months until he retired. was very much that kind of guy. He wasn't the kind of guy that would talk about emotions He was just, get out there, handle my business, take care of my family. that's what a man does. so I looked at that and I was like, okay, well, that's what my dad does. That's what I'm supposed to do too. I didn't talk about my emotions. I gotta handle business,

Eric 17:17

do you think things would've played out much differently if you felt like you could talk about your emotions and kind of express yourself and your concern, at an early age?

Dennis 17:27

Yes and no. I think that my family would've given me more support, but they didn't know anything about mental illness either. what I think would've happened was they would've given me support, but it would've been the wrong kind of support. after I was diagnosed, I was telling my mom that was going to, start psychiatric meds and she was like, do you really think you need those? What about the long-term effects? And all I could say in the moment was, yeah, I think I need to do this. But

Eric 17:56

Mm.

Dennis 17:56

I'm thinking the long-term effects of medication are gonna matter if I kill myself next week. So, I'm at a point where something has to change or I'm removing myself from the world. and that's kind of, that's also a struggle that a lot of people have. You know, they get advice from, well-meaning people who haven't lived with mental illness, who don't know much about mental illness, or they operate through their own biases about mental illness. Like, I've had other people with bipolar dis disorder, help me that I don't have bipolar disorder because I experience it in a way that people don't like to talk about. It's not that it's uncommon, it's that, you know, lot of people like to focus on, like euphoria and mania and all these, like, you know, the, the bright parts, you know, they, they talk about, you know, being creative or being intelligent or, or all these. You know, all those things that people try to associate as positive qualities to it. I've experienced euphoria, maybe a handful of days in my entire life, a majority of my unwell cycles have been either rage driven with anger and paranoia, or they have been from mild to suicidally. Depressed. There's no like brightness. But if you're not like, familiar with the full scope of the disorder, then you could look at someone like my experience and think, oh, that doesn't fit. But it does fit if you actually know the whole scope and not just what people are willing to talk about. nobody has a problem with talking about like, I'm a free spirit. I everything and I went to backpack. And meanwhile, on the other side of the coin, you have, People don't wanna talk about the time that they were acting so unhinged that their family was terrified of them. So they had to call the cops to make sure that you would go impatient so that you wouldn't hurt yourself or somebody else. So, you know, it's very much a nuanced discussion, I guess.

Eric 19:45

Yeah, no, and, I can see where it's difficult on both ends, right? I see. Where people who are sitting there saying, oh, well you're not like me. You're not bipolar. You don't have these issues, and they truly feel disconnect with somebody who does, genuinely share these same issues. but I can also see where it's detrimental to those who are like, Hey, no, we can help one another. I can, speak to this and help you, even if it's a little bit, just give a little bit of advice on how to manage yourself. it's kind of a double edged sword there, where it's you teeter-totter on being accepted in a community you didn't know you needed to be in. but also. being a part of that community and feeling that the other people around you are just kind of frauds, it seems heavy to add that on top of what you're already dealing with and going through.

Dennis 20:31

the funny part about it is, that mental and social isolation that I feel made it very easy to cope with.'cause it's like, all right, you know, whatever.. yeah. Belong to begin with. So what difference does it make? But that's also why I'm very, careful about, I try not to tell people what to do with their own lives how to, because so many different ways that bipolar disorder can manifest, like. Some people will only experience mania and then they crash down to just like a normal functioning level. Then you have Me who we escalate, but we don't go very far up. I, I'm a type two, which is hypomania, which is a lesser form of mania. and just to clarify this, I wasn't diagnosed with type one because I haven't had a manic cycle with psychosis. All of my psychotic episodes have been during depression or a mixed cycle. That was the reason that my doctor gave me. So I wanna clarify that look at the DSM and go, oh, you know, mania in, you know, psychosis and bipolar disorder, that means you have mania. And that wasn't the case for me. There are times when that mental isolation has been extremely helpful. because like I don't have any expectations of feeling accepted, in a community. You know, I just kind of here and that's the way it is, and whatever you think, fine. You know, I don't care.

Eric 21:53

so you at, at 15, the event doesn't play through and you now go 14 years, with, understanding this, dealing with this, learning this, just trying to adapt into everyday life. 29 comes around and you have this psychotic break, and you had mentioned that you just felt like you made everyone feel bad.

Dennis 22:19

what my brain was doing was telling me that I should make everyone else feel as bad as I did by doing Focusing it at myself, focusing it outward at other people, which is not something I ever really did up until that point.

Eric 22:33

that's when you said you had come up with a plan to, but you eventually said, no, we're not going to do this. We're gonna pivot and actually find the help.

Dennis 22:42

Yeah.

Eric 22:42

from that point,

Dennis 22:43

I can't remember the details of what happened up to that point. It's very common for memory loss to happen during severe unwellness,

Eric 22:52

Hmm.

Dennis 22:53

things together by talking, to my ex. But one thing I can, pick up on, I moved to a different state and changed jobs. I was undiagnosed and it was unmanaged, and moving is one of the most stressful things you do in your life, right up there next to marriage and losing a job. So stress, few triggers, in a lot of people. So I had all the stress of the move, you know, moving in with my girlfriend at the time and. was a problem. I, I was supposed to, I was working at Walmart at the time and I was supposed to transfer over to, to another store, and HR fucked that up somehow. So I was like, kind of in limbo where I was. I wasn't technically an employee, but I was an employee and I don't even fucking know, but it screwed up like my pay. you know, I got bills to pay and it, it's just stress on top of stress, on top of stress, on top of stress. One very distinct moment I remember is, I watched the movie Unbreakable with my, with my ex. And there was a home invasion scene and that home invasion scene got stuck in my head. And at that point, I stopped sleeping. When she was sleeping, I would just curl up in bed with her. stare at the door all night long, a knife tucked on the side of my, my mattress waiting for whoever I knew was coming come. And because I wasn't sleeping and I wasn't stable, you know, I, started burning through jobs. You know, they eventually fixed the thing at, at, at Walmart, but I just kind of, don't even remember why I walked off the job. I just said, fuck it and bounced. and then I, I just started burning through jobs like I would get, or retail would basically hire anyone, anyone with a pulse at the time. So, you know, it was easy to bounce from store to store, to store, to store, to store the course of, you know, several months. But this all culminated on a Sunday. Afternoon, I'm sitting on a couch. We live in a little one bedroom apartment, little one bedroom apartment. I'm sitting on the couch staring out the patio, yo door, and my brain is just kinda lost, you know, swimming in all these ugly negative things. And the thoughts that I was having were basically, you're not happy, you've never been happy, you're, you're here with someone who you should be happy with, that you should be happy to be around. and as those thoughts kept swirling and swirling and swirling, eventually, you know, there was that, like that switch flipped again. this time. When it, when it flipped, it was, the narrative in my head was, you know, then almost saying, know what, you're not happy. You're never gonna be happy. the fuck do all these other people get to walk around smiling and be happy? Make them feel just as awful as you do. then the rational side of my brain, which normally would've pushed back against that, was like, yeah, that's exactly what you should do. So, I'm lost in thought. I, I wouldn't say I'm dis, I'm dissociated because I'm still, I am still present, but my brain is not thinking in a way that me. one thing I like to say is I can understand why some people might think they're possessed because it was, it wasn't like I was outside myself looking at myself. It wasn't like, you know, that, an internal narrative of, oh, is this a good idea or is this a bad idea? It was, these were my thoughts, these were my feelings. This is real, this is true. This is how it is. Even though that was something that was grotesquely against my character. So I'm sitting there lost in thought, my ex walks in front of me to pick up the cat in the corner. picks up the cat, she turns around and she drops the cat. I'm only somewhat aware of this because my brain is just, thinking and I'm just staring blankly out into space. And, when she drops the cat, it snaps me outta my thoughts and I look over at her. Now as an autistic person, I have the glitch, the social glitch, where a lot of my social processes don't work correctly, projecting body language, hearing tone of voice, that sort of thing. But I accidentally taught myself how to mask, like early on in life. I just kind of fell into the habit of, okay, I'm talking to people, it's like a switch turns on. and I start going through all these processes of like, okay, what's their body language? What are they saying? What is their facial expression? How are they standing? what is the context of the conversation? And I'm processing all these things. And it's very much an all or nothing kind of thing. It's like almost like a cell phone, you know? If it's off, it's just a useless brick, and if I turn it on, then I can do a lot of things. So when I looked at her, she said, Dennis, that look on your face is scaring me. What are you thinking about? And then that switch flipped where I went from not masking to masking, and I started to analyze, her and she was standing there. She had her hands clasped. was rubbing her thumbs together, nervously like people do. her shoulders were leaned slightly forward, her hips slightly back. And she had a look on her face that I couldn't recognize. you know, we'd been together six and a half years. So, you know, a new expression was like. why is she looking at me like, what is she, what is And it took me a few seconds to realize, oh, that's fear. She's afraid of me. And then I thought back to her words, you know? Oh, okay. Yeah, she, she's afraid. And, I was horrified because it was such, it was such a foreign and alien, so many foreign and, and alien thoughts that were swirling together. And it just, I crashed from wherever I was at at the time and just into the worst. Most depressive pit of non functionality. Like after I crashed outta the unwell cycle, I could not do basic math in my head for like two or three weeks after. That's how bad my cognitive abilities were. Addition and subtraction. Yeah. It's like when a person with bipolar disorder is going through like mania or, you know, a mixed cycle like I was, it's like, you drive the car across country, but the pedals to the metal the whole fucking time. And then sooner or later you run outta gas and then, hopefully you can stop kind of consistent way or maybe you'll just hit a wall, you know? And that's what, that's what happened to me. And, I grounded in reality and yeah, that after I slept for about six hours, I made the decision that I gotta tell somebody what's going on before I do something that I don't have control over because I had no control over my actions at that point. I had the means, I would've acted on it. yeah, it was overall I'd rate the experience one out of five stars, The one star for the company.

Eric 30:53

I'm glad you can, I'm glad you can find the humor in the after fact. That's, that's great. you have this break at 29

Dennis 31:02

Mm-hmm,

Eric 31:03

and this plan falls out. You meet with the LCSW who finally helps you realize opioid bipolarism, you know, and, from that point on, now that you know, and of course you had mentioned, you went on this journey to, you know, ask your grandmother on that side about the mental illnesses and kind of get a better understanding of your lineage. What does your life look like from 29 to 46?

Dennis 31:31

Okay. So I didn't actually find out about, or my mom didn't find her biological family. I think it was in my late thirties, I still never had that context. What ended up happening was after that, my ex-fiance decided she needed to leave. so she left about two weeks later, and I don't blame her. You know, I'm a six foot four mentally unstable, angry man. You know, you don't, I witness state either if I was a woman in her position or anyone in her position for that matter. so I don't blame her for that. And, I made several decisions, you know, the first was like I already said, I'm gonna be completely openness about all the things that I don't talk about other people with my therapist, which was probably one of the biggest contributing factors to be able to actually start making great strides in recovery. Because when you hold things back, they're not mind readers. They can only make educated guesses based on their training, education, experience, and what you tell them. So when people go in and lie to their therapists, their therapists are trying to give them guidance and advice based on half information or half truth. then people come around and say, well, you know, therapy doesn't work for me. But on the other hand, if a lot of us weren't honest, then it's hard to make that progress. So I made the choice to embrace rat radical honesty. I made the choice to stay single because I was tired of that. That was actually my second engagement. about my sixth or seventh relationship that I had basically burned to the ground because of my mental instability. So I was like, yeah, I'm not dragging anyone I love through this anymore. You know? Screw that shit. I went to therapy twice a week for like the first six months, then down to once a week. Then, started DA variety of medications I've been on and off medications. The first three or four years was very, I basically worked, did therapy work and that was it. And played, you know, lost myself in video games to not think about it for a while. And that was kinda like how things went for the first, like three or four years. But after, a few years, I started feeling like I had more control. I had a very solid understanding of myself, my positives and negatives. when I was 32, I was diagnosed with autism and that was like when I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder and started learning about it. I look back on my life and it was like, yeah, when you get an eye test and they're like flipping through the lenses and like, they're blurry, not blurry, blurry, not blurry, Well, the diagnosis of bipolar disorder and learning about that was like, the picture was clearer, It's clear enough yet, but when I was diagnosed with autism and I started reading about autism, I was like, it was crystal clear like I could see how everything fit together up until that point. even like sprinkled with the various traumatic experiences I had through the course of my life up to that point too. And really, I just kept focusing on trying to put things together. I also lived with depression, so there was long stretches where I would just say, fuck it, I'm not doing this. there were, plenty of times I got angry and frustrated. I would just focus on work or waste time just doing things just to not try to be out of it. But then I also started getting involved in, I helped run support groups at the facility that, I was being treated at, and, started to, I remember the reason that I got started in that, and it was because we had a group that was going on and people were asking what I felt were very, distinct or clear questions to the facilitator and the counselor that was overseeing it. And like, it was just so many like non-answers or superficial answers that I just started, going and looking for answers myself and trying to understand what it was. And that kind of like started me on this journey and this trajectory where I had started getting involved with, you know, I launched a blog years ago that I ran for like seven or eight years, about bipolar disorder in my life with it. And, ended up talking to a lot of people through that and learned a lot of things from other people and their experiences. I found that, you know, I could use my own experiences as a vehicle reach other people like me, because like a lot of the mental health outreach and advocacy stuff, you know, I roll my eyes at, because toxic masculinity, a blue, I'm a blue collar dude. Like, get this fruity shit outta here. I ain't talking about this. You know, what am I a bitch? I can't handle my own life. Fuck you. and it's like, oh, you know, if you're having difficult bitch, I've been having difficult thoughts for 20 fucking years, fuck off. You know? And and it was hard to ever believe it could be different because that's all I knew. I had a very good childhood, all said and done. I wasn't abused. My parents loved me. They did the best they could for me, despite their flaws. I always had a place to stay if I needed it. they are excellent people, but bipolar disorder they were not equipped for that. I don't think very many people are. being in the kind of environment and social circles that I was keeping through those years, it was very much a transition of, you know, I have to diffuse and unmake this anger that I constantly have simmering and bubbling because I felt like that was the biggest contributor my depression and hostility to other people and everyone else in the world as an enemy. because that's just, it was many of those attitudes that. Just got dialed up to 11 because of the mental illness. so I started getting involved in that and, life in my mind continued to improve, improve and improve and improve. I've had hiccups here and there, but, overall, I work, I live my life all I aim to do. anymore, pretty much try and, enjoy what, what time I got left.

Eric 37:26

I hope you have a long time left. I think that you're handling it incredibly well, and I think that it's amazing work what you're doing to kind of keep yourself at this controlled level, and you've sacrificed a lot personally. the relationships, the people that you love and care about coming to the terms with, how you are going to live your life. Moving ahead. I. can't begin to imagine the kind of toll it takes on, the mind, the body, the soul, but you being able to be kind of a voice and an advocate for people to say, Hey, find the support, find the help, get out there. do what works best for you. I think that speaks volumes, to your character, to your mindset now, and just to the important role that you play in your community and in the world. And I truly do hope that, you know, people that listen to this and hear your voice and hear your story can take a backseat and say, okay, I think I am similar to him in certain ways. And I think I feel these ways sometimes. Maybe I do reach out and talk to somebody and begin my journey, to that. Yeah. To that point, you have your own podcast, right?

Dennis 38:34

yeah, I call bluntly bipolar and I'm basically, I can't even say I have a content plan because I'm basically trying to get all the stuff that I've learned out of my head into public for other people to from. I'll probably end up writing a book or two, but at this point love podcasts. So that's kind of the route I've been going with that. I think it's important. Like I speak very bluntly about my life with mental illness the circumstances, but there's a fine balance between that and, being purposefully triggering or, offensive. I like to say that I'm trying to approach it from a tactfully honest perspective rather than brutally. because part of the reason I think that I was unable to realize something was so wrong for so long is because there weren't other people like me talking in the language that I would actually hear. peace in life, go fuck yourself. and that's just it. That's kind of where I'm at with that project. I'm putting it out there and I don't want anyone to think that, my way is the only way or the best way. I'm just trying to give people more information to make better choices, essentially.

Eric 39:39

Before I let you go, if this was, something that you wanted people to hear, just a final message for people to be like, that's what I'm taking away from all of this, what would you tell them?

Dennis 39:52

I think that what I would say is to survive. There are times where all I could manage was just to exist as a lump on my beds, staring at the wall for hours at a time. there were times where, I was drowning myself in a variety of substances, but I could never bring myself to take such an active attempt as I did when I was 15. If you can survive, it can be better. It may stuck whole time to get there. like I've said, from what I've seen over the past 16 years since I was diagnosed, all the people that I've seen and talk with and other stories I've heard, I very much believe that everyone can be better in some way. not everyone is going to get a high degree of recovery. Mental illness is mental illness and it's terrible and there aren't enough resources to go around. Well, there are, but they're being hoarded. but if you can survive. Tomorrow can be better.

41:02

Thank you so much for listening and I really hope you enjoyed the talk I had today with Dennis. If anything you heard today resonated with you, know that you're not alone and that help is out there. Reaching out, even when it feels impossible, can be the first step towards something better. A big thank you for Dennis for taking time to speak with me and being so open linked to his podcast, as well as helpful resources and support lines in the show notes. If you enjoyed this conversation, be sure to follow the podcast. Leave a review and share this episode with someone who might need to hear it. If you have a story to tell or just want to talk, please feel free to reach out at Hear for You Pod. That's HEAR, the number four Y-O-U-P-O d@gmail.com. Take care of yourselves and I'll talk soon.